Where Have I Been?

All righty, here I am again, it's been way too long and I've been way too busy to write here, that is just not right, I know there are a few of you who check here on a semi-regular basis waiting for me to come back and get busy writing here... well here I am, sorry for the absence.

Soooo, you might wonder what I've been up to lately, since my dad passed away, I haven't really had any sort of visitation from him, please understand I'm not LOOKING for it either, my prayer to God about this is "if it's Your Will, then let it happen, if not then so be it"... I prayed it once and let it go, I don't feel like asking for it over and over, even saying "if it's Your Will" is a good thing to do, if it happens then it happens, if not, then it doesn't.

That was the attitude I had about my mother, and it was 4-5 years after her death before I had any sort of encounter with her, it happened in a dream, we had a discussion and she told me how I could contact her again if I ever wanted to, the funny thing is I haven't wanted to, I haven't felt the need, I am not going to seek it, but if it happens again, then so be it, the visit was very spontaneous and that's how I prefer it to be, not me seeking it.

I sometimes feel what I think is my dad's presence, or at least I wonder if he's around, it happens most often when I am singing alone, I wish he could have been able to see me now, leading our music services in church, singing out loud and playing the piano. I would like to think that he is getting to experience it a little now. He knew I was doing this before he passed away, but he never got to hear me singing or leading in the church.

I have to tell you that I come from a very musical as well as artistic family, we have very creative and talented people in my family, and quite frankly that intimidated me quite a bit growing up. I had no idea if I could sing or not, I liked singing OK, I just wouldn't do it if I thought anyone could hear me. I also do some art, drawing and painting, that's not as intimidating, I can show an art piece without having to "perform", I've already done all the hard work, all I have to do is stand next to it.

Fortunately I've found my inner crooner and I'm not as afraid to sing out loud. There are a couple of songs my dad wrote, I remember him singing them in church when I was a little girl, he also played the guitar. I have been working on learning these two songs and hope to have the nerve to perform them in front of the church, soon! I have been practicing singing these songs before church starts, I purposely wait for a few people to be around, I need to learn to sing solo no matter how many people can hear me. It's also hard to sing these songs because of the emotional connection I have to them, it's hard to get through the song without crying, and I don't know about you, but I can't sing if I'm crying.

OK, so a few months ago I had a dream with my dad in it, I don't believe it was really him though, but if it was him, I hope he was OK with my reaction and understands why I had the reaction I did. I dreamed I was in his house, in his bedroom, there were 2 twin beds in there, on the one farthest from me I could detect someone laying in the bed covered up, then he uncovered, it looked like my dad, but he looked so old and frail, he turned over to look at me, almost pleading with me to come over to him... in the dream I knew he was supposed to be dead and my reaction was to rebuke whatever that was, I yelled at it to go away, I yelled that you are supposed to be dead. His face was so pitiful, I turned away and began praying to God asking Him why I was seeing this, why was I being subjected to this... then I awoke.

The reason I don't believe it was really my dad, I don't think he would retain the look of a dying person, he would have no reason to continue looking sick, old and frail, I imagine he would take on the form of a much younger man, healthy and vital, he wouldn't be begging for help, I fully believe this was a trick of the devil, trying to fool me into feeling sorry for whatever "it" was and trying to help it, causing me to become entangled in whatever that thing was.

I haven't had anything like that happen again. I am still waiting, but not seeking a visit or connection.

Another dream I had a few nights ago, I dreamed about my grandfather (from  my mother's side), I wouldn't say I forgot what he looked like, but considering the last time I saw him in living color was when I was a teenager, I don't know if this was really anything or not, but it was certainly good to see his face, to hug his neck and tell him I love him.

This last month has been a month for dreams, usually my dreams are nonsense, sometimes just fun, but I rarely dream about the people I know, when I do there is usually a reason behind it. I did have one more dream that was significant, but I'll save it for another post.

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The Flash

Here's something interesting that happened a few days ago, I am a caretaker for a friend, it's a real paying job, yeah I get paid to visit, clean, cook and shop with my friend... I was at her place, it was evening, the sun was going down, it was just dark enough to begin turning on your headlights, but it was still plenty light enough to see everything pretty clearly. We were standing by my truck, she was talking, I was looking around and suddenly I saw a bright BRIGHT flash, it was bright enough to wash everything out, there were no shadows, no nothing but light, it lasted a microsecond and was gone. I looked at my friend who continued talking as if nothing had just happened, so I waited until she finished her sentence and I asked her if she had just seen something strange, she looked at me so funny and said yes, she had just seen a flash but thought it was just her eyes playing tricks, she has had cataract surgery this last year and it's not uncommon to have the occasional visual blip, she didn't say anything because she thought it was just her and I didn't seem to react.

We stood there for the next 15 minutes describing the same thing to each other. We live in a very VERY rural area, there is no traffic, we are miles and miles from the main road and it's not in line of sight, there are mountains and trees all around us, the sky was clear, we have practically no airplanes or helicopters during the day, and all but none in the evening going into night. I don't know what it was, there was no sound associated with it, it was just a very bright flash, I just realized that there was not an after image like you would see if someone used a flashbulb in your face, it wasn't centralized, it was as if the air flashed but it wasn't in any particular place. The sky was clear, there was the tiniest bit of breeze, we typically have pretty low humidity, there are no other neighbors around that could have caused it (car headlights or porch lights...), oh and it wasn't my vehicle or hers.

Who knows what it was, I do see flashes like this on a semi-regular basis, both inside and outside, this is the first time someone else was with me and saw it too, I might see it once a month or less often. I can't help but to think of that movie "The Matrix", perhaps it's a glitch in the program and we just happened to be in the right/wrong place at the right/wrong time...

Good Bye Daddy

Here I am, back and feeling better than ever. The last post I posted was about my dad, for those of you who read my other blog, you know that my dad passed away on July 30th, it was good, well as good as a death can be. Let me tell you about it.

Two days after writing my last post here that I had gotten back home, Sunday right after church, I received a phone call from my sister telling me that her hubby and their daughter were on their way to pick me up, I had 7 hours to get ready to go back to Fort Worth. I had been home for a week and one day.

I packed a bag, made some phone calls to let people out here know I would be gone for another little bit, and I waited for my brother in law and niece to arrive. They got here about midnight, I met them at the entrance to my neighborhood, kissed my hubby goodbye and started out on an overnight drive. We arrived in Fort Worth about 8ish in the morning, we went directly to the hospital. I went straight to my dad's room but was only able to stay less than a minute, the hospice people were there and wanted to talk to the family. Those few seconds I was in dad's room, I don't believe he even knew I was there, he had on a full face mask bi-pap machine, it assists in breathing. I couldn't see his face very clearly, and I was sure he couldn't see me, at least not enough to recognize me. He didn't respond at all to me walking in the room.

The hospice nurse told us that it would be next to impossible for us to take him home to die, something my dad wanted to do but had rejected the idea when we brought it up to him before, when he would have been healthy enough to make the trip back to his house. He balked at the idea of having hospice, I suppose it's not easy to accept the idea that one is about to die, he felt like he had more things to do.

We agreed that he would stay at the hospital and began calling family members and friends to come in and say goodbye. We knew he wouldn't see the end of the day. Within an hour or so, that room at the hospital, it was a cardiac ICU, was filled with people, friends, family, neighbors, it was amazing the number of people who showed up. Once the whole family was there (with the exception of 2 family members who were out of town), I told everyone to go outside into the hallway, I had each family member go into the room by themselves to say their final goodbyes. I am so thankful that we had the time and opportunity to do that. I didn't go in and talk to him alone, I had spent days and nights with him before and had already said everything that needed to be said in private.

As the day wore on, more and more people showed up, I am so thankful for the hospital, North Hills Hospital for allowing us to have so many people there, the room was full, we were spilling out into the hallway, and they never once said anything about having too many people there. I suppose they see a lot of people pass with no family or friends there. In fact, during the time I was there before, spending nights up there with dad, I had gone out into the hallway, it was dark and quiet. There had been a door to a room down the hall, there was a sign on the door that said "no visitors, see the nurse's desk", the room door was shut and no one went in or came out. Later that night, I saw the staff going into the room and quietly removing the patient, an older lady, they had her in a body bag, they had placed a hand made crocheted (granny squares) blanket over her, they quietly took her to an elevator that is for hospital staff only. I don't remember seeing anyone coming or going from that room, I wonder if she died alone...

Spending so much time in the hospital, I became very familiar with the routines and sounds of the hospital, and the spirit life there, and believe me, there is a lot of activity. A few hours before my dad passed, I was looking toward the door in the room. I saw a shadow figure go by very quickly, too quickly for a living person to have gone by, and less than a second later, another one, just like the first one flew by, I don't believe they had anything to do with my dad or that room, I believe I just happened to look up at the right time.

Being in the room while my dad was dying was quite an experience, I felt quite honored to be part of it, I talked to my dad nearly the whole time, we played gospel music, we sang, we prayed, we cried, we laughed, we told stories. Dad would respond from time to time, one thing he did was he hit his fist on the bed and said "I'm not ready!", even when you believe in an afterlife, it can be hard to face it, that final step can be a scary one.  I am convinced that he did pass on into Heaven though, about an hour before he breathed his last breath, he looked up toward the end of the bed and said "Hello Anita.", she was his oldest child, I had the honor of being by her side when she passed away some 5-6 years ago, we knew she was a saved Christian, I had been waiting for something like that to happen, I just didn't know who it would be, so when Dad acknowledged her, I felt comfortable that he was going to be OK.

Dad passed away later in the afternoon, he had been there long enough for the nurses, doctors and staff to get to know him, there were tears from them all, the nurses, the lady who cleaned his room, even his doctor there. That is part of the job, but it still doesn't make it any easier.

One of the things my dad and I discussed in the weeks before his death was if it was possible, he would come visit me, I do not actively seek it because I don't want to attract something else that might try to pretend to be my dad. I haven't had a visit from him, there was one dream I had where I thought it might have been him, but I feel quite certain by my response that it wasn't him, I'll talk about that in another post.

Really Back Home

It's been a few weeks since my last post about my dad, let me tell you that when I wrote that I was told he would pull through (ie not die right then), I really wasn't feeling it, I truly thought he would pass any time, I didn't expect him to live, to survive the next few days, but I went ahead and wrote what I had been "told", mainly as a way to document what I had been told, and as per usual, the voice was accurate, not that I believed it, I really thought that this time, the voice was wrong, had to be wrong.

My dad did come home from the hospital, for only a few days though, he began going downhill again and went back in, he is still there, it's been over 2 weeks on this stay in the hospital. I stayed with him as much as I could, mostly staying there overnight, my sister staying with him during the day. He goes up and down, getting better, then getting worse. When it was clear that he wasn't in imminent danger of passing right away, I took the opportunity to come home for a bit, I had some things that needed to be done here, so my sister drove me home, it's some 500 miles away, so it's an overnight trip. I also thought the timing would be best if my dad was still in the hospital while we were gone, the assumption is if/when my dad gets out of the hospital, my sister will move in with him and take care of him.

Honestly I'm thinking I'll be back within a month, well make that about 3 weeks now counting the near week I've been back. I haven't been told anything else, so for now, I'm just going by my gut feelings. I do want to try my utmost best to be by my dad's side when he passes, I want to be holding his hand and talking him into the next world, just like I did with my half sister on her death bed.

Sorry if this sounds a bit disjointed, it's just how things are right now.

Back Home

It's so strange to be in my childhood house again,  this is where I spent most of my growing up years once we settled for good in Texas. This has also been a very active house spiritwise. 

It's been more years than I care to count since I've lived here, and around 4 years since I've been here for a visit. I here now because we thought my dad was on death's door, he had pneumonia and had been hospitalized 2X for it, he also has congestive heart failure. At neatly 84 years of age (he will be turning 84 this coming Sunday) he has lived a good long and healthy life. He still has his mind and has been fairly active until the last few months. 

At this point, it's up in the air whether or not he pulls through this one, literally up to God to take him or not. I'm feeling like he is going to pull through, especially since he's still kicking, just gotta keep him rested and at the same time, try to keep him active enough to build up his strength.

I've been here nearly a couple of weeks, let me go back a bit, a few days before I came out, I had been very busy trying to get the sky castle ready for PB's daughter, SIL and 2 grandsons to come out for a visit, their first visit. The day they were supposed to arrive, I was still trying to do last minute things, around 5ish I took a break and felt an urge to call my dad. I listen to those urges. When he answered, he couldn't speak, he could barely squeak, I could understand his squeaking that he couldn't speak. After questioning him a bit, I found out that he didn't have a sore throat and that he was home alone, he sounded very scared and confused. I told him I would hang up and call my sister.

Turns out my sis had just left him around 45 minutes before and he had been just fine. Once she talked to him, she left what they were doing and went right over, they ended up calling 911 and taking him to the hospital. This would be his 2nd stay in the hospital for pneumonia. I fully believe that if I hadn't called him when I did, he wouldn't have survived.

Hospitals are very hot spots for spiritual activity, of course I saw all sorts of things there, movements and shadows mostly. I ignored them, I was more concerned about my dad at that point. Now that dad is out of the hospital, I'm spending all of my time here taking care of him, this house is still just as active as ever. Sparks of light, shadows, movements, sounds... just like it was before. 

Dad keeps seeing things too, though at this point it's hard to determine how much of it is "real" and how much is the meds and his physical condition.  

I had planned on leaving at the end of this week, but I think I'll stay an extra week, I really want to get home, but dad needs me the most right now. I want to be with him when he passes from this earthly realm into the spirit realm, I don't know how soon that is going to be now. If my "voice" is still accurate, I've been told he will pull through this one. I feel pretty good about it.

Dreams

Been dreaming a lot of dreams lately, I generally dream a lot but I don't often remember them, or they fade away quickly upon awakening. I rarely dream things that mean anything, but when I do, they really stick with me.

The latest dream I had that woke me up a few mornings ago, first let me explain why I believe I had this dream, I found an article on Wikipedia about the "drowning response", it's what is actually happening when a person drowns, it's not the kicking flailing screaming scene you see in the movies, it's actually very fast, without much movement. So now to my dream, I was dreaming about the underground tunnels (actually drainage tunnels) that are near where I grew up. These tunnels are pretty big, at least if you are a kid, I believe most adults would be able to stand up in them, I played in them as a kid and a teen, these went under the parking lot of the shopping center and dumped out into a creek, then that lead to some even bigger tunnels, ones you could drive a pickup truck through.


In my dream I was a young boy of about 10 or 11 years old, I was riding a bike across the parking lot of the local shopping center. There was a large carnival going on, it was getting late in the evening, the sun was going down but it wasn't completely dark yet, it was that time of evening when you turn your headlights on but you can still see light in the sky, I was mesmerized by the lights and activity of this carnival but I knew I needed to go home.

As I was riding my bike across the parking lot towards where I lived, I felt this impending danger, something really bad was coming and I might not outrun whatever it was, I didn't think I could make it home. I got to the edge of the parking lot and ditched my bike, I ran into the center of 3 tunnels that are down in a creek bed that goes through the neighborhood, once I got in there, I realized this wasn't the best place to hide so I tried to run out but a great wash of water was flooding in, it was a couple of feet deep and getting deeper, it was moving fast, I had no chance to get out that way, I turned and ran the other way, deeper into the tunnel.

As I was nearing the other end, it changed, in real life the other end of this tunnel is just as open as the first end, but in the dream this tunnel closed down into something very small, there was a concrete ledge going up and I had no choice but to climb, it continued going up like a spiral staircase made of concrete, each level becoming smaller and tighter, the water was coming up behind me. The space became so tight that I was squeezing and contorting my body to get around the next part, I had this thought, "I'm so glad I know these tunnels like the back of my hand...", no sooner had I thought that when my head became stuck in the next turn, I couldn't go any further, it had become too small for me to continue, I didn't believe I could go back the way I came because I was so contorted in this small spiral space, and the water was coming up fast. My next thoughts were that I knew drowning was not painful, it was the waiting and struggling that was horrible, and wondering if anyone would find my body... I awoke after that.

A few nights later, I dreamed that I was in my Dad's house, I saw my younger brother as an adult, as he would look now if he were still alive (he was killed in an accidental shooting 20 something years ago), he looked really good, quite normal (his life was anything but normal, he had lots of problems I will not go into here), I realized that everything looked extra sharp, extra bright without being blinding, there were almost no shadows, everything looked extra real, better than any high-def TV ever thought of being. I realized that I was dead, this was as if I had died instead of my brother, when that thought struck me, I wondered if I could communicate with anyone, so I went up to my brother and I touched my first two fingers of one hand to just under my eyes and then I touched my fingers to just under my brother's eyes, like those military guys do when they are trying to say "keep your eyes peeled" to another soldier in the movies without saying anything. I felt my brother but it was somewhat different than touching something solid, I can't explain, my fingers felt him but he didn't seem to notice the touch. I awoke right after that, it was a strange dream.

I have often wondered how the physical world looks when you are in the spirit world, I've heard different theories, I've heard that the spirits don't see the physical world, they just see lights and such (energy), or that they only see their realms, not ours... now I wonder if what I saw in my dream is how everything looks to a spirit when they are in the physical realm...

NDEs

Otherwise known ad Near Death Experiences. Death is usually considered a negative thing by many people, the honest truth is we will all experience it sooner or later. Our minds are programmed to believe that we live forever, no one wants to ponder their mortality. I think our minds are correct, we do live forever, just not in the form we are in now. We fear death because for most of us, it is the unknown. All of those "what ifs" come into play. What if there is no afterlife? What if I stand before God and I'm not good enough? What if I go to Hell? What if things aren't like I was taught to believe? What if it's just black nothingness.

I remember standing my by sister's bedside as she was leaving this world, going on to the next one. I held her face just inches from mine. She could barely respond, she was mostly gone already. I talked to her, I said things like "Don't be afraid, it's OK..." and "I wish I could see what you see now, I know it's beautiful...", I know she was afraid, but I hope my words and getting her to focus on me and what I was saying helped her to pass more peacefully. I only hope someone has the presence of mind to do that for me when my times comes.

How to die. I often hear the statement from other people who say they would prefer going to sleep and never waking up again, as opposed to dying in a more traumatic way. As nice as that sounds, the more I think about it (not that I dwell on dying, I probably think about it as much as anyone else does), the more I think I want to be awake and alert when my times comes. I want to know it is about to happen, of course I'd prefer that it wasn't too painful, painless would be the best, but we don't always get our way in life, or death. It may be paramount to birth, it must be at least uncomfortable (if not painful) to be born, to be forced from the only existence you know, a warm, happy place, into a cold, brightly lit world, the world we embrace during our life, then are reluctant to leave.

Let me tell you about my NDE. I don't know exactly how old I was, I must have been around 6 or 7 years old. We lived in California. We enjoyed going to the beach to swim, but didn't like the waves very much, so my parents would take us to a man-made lagoon. It was protected from the brunt of the wave action, perfect for little kids to swim. It was also protected from sharks or other large marine animals.

I didn't know how to swim, but I was fearless, my little sister (not the one mentioned above) would not go into water deeper than ankle depth. My little brother was even more fearless than I was, he was busy diving into a trashcan looking for goodies, that's where my mother was at the time, trying to pull my brother out of the can. My father was in a rubber raft across the lagoon, I could see him. There were lifeguards there, and a lot of people, adults and children, swimming that day.

I knew not to go into the deep water, but while playing, I saw a potato chip wrapper floating on the water. I began to hit it to see how far it would go each time. I was getting into deeper and deeper water. Once the water was up to my chin, I thought I would hit the wrapper one more time then go back to shallow water. On that last swipe, I stepped off of a ledge, there was nothing solid under my feet. I panicked and began to thrash around. I could see my dad across the lagoon and started yelling for him. Of course with all the commotion of all the other swimmers, and the distance, he never heard me.

As I thrashed around, I caused myself to go into deeper and deeper water. I would come up, choking and gasping for air, then I would go under, this went on for what seemed like an eternity. Finally I went under and I knew I would not come back up again. Right at that moment, a peace came over me. A peace like I had never felt before. I completely relaxed, I was no longer afraid. The water was green, I must have only been a foot or so under the surface. I knew everything would be OK. I cannot describe the calm and peace I felt, it was unearthly. I felt no pain or distress as I floated under the water.

Then I felt a hand, a hand, it was pulling me out of the water, my instincts to live kicked back in and I began to struggle. This hand pulled me out of the water long enough for me to get a breath of air, then pushed me away. I was doing everything I could to try to grab this person, which was why they pushed me away, to turn me around so that they could safely pull me to shore.

As soon as my feet could touch bottom, I looked at the person and it was my mom (this was the second time she had saved me from certain death). The funny thins was, she didn't know it was me either, until that moment, she just saw a child in distress and went into action. We waded past the lady who was only a few feet from me the whole time, she watched me drowning and did nothing, my mother had some nasty words for her. We waded past the life guard, he had also been watching, with hands on the sides of the chair, ready to jump in, the reason he didn't was because most of that day, other children had been playing like they were drowning, he just assumed I belonged to that group of kids.

I suffered no ill effects from nearly drowning, I puked a few times after I got on the beach. We went home and as far as I can remember, I don't think we ever went back to that lagoon again. We stuck to swimming pools.

I can say this, I am not afraid of the water, I think if I had been saved while I was still struggling, before the peaceful part, I probably would have had a fear of the water, but since I was pulled out after the peaceful part, I have no fear of drowning. The part up and until the peaceful part sucks, but after that it is quite pleasant.

I have had a couple of other brushes with death, none as close as this one though, I was trapped in a travel trailer while it was on fire, I was in two different situations where I was at the mercy of a crazy person with a weapon, I nearly hung myself (it was a stupid childhood experiment gone wrong, I wasn't trying to commit suicide), I have had 2 different medical situations where I could have died, I have been in one semi-serious car wreck... I have been close to death many times, but I'm still here to talk about it... I'll talk about them more in detail at a later date.

A Dream

Had a somewhat disturbing dream this morning, I dreamed I was living where I am right now, but Bob had died, it was a few days after his death and burial. In the dream I was riding my bike from place to place talking to the various people I know out here, not sure why I wasn't driving my bug. Eventually I went home, on the way, it was getting dark, I saw a car coming on the road toward me, I purposely steered my bike to the wrong side of the road, I figured if they hit me, then they hit me. I made it home, the house was empty, I began to cry, I was sad, I was mad at Bob for doing this to me, I wanted to talk to him again so I started calling out to him, I was NOT going to wait years to communicate with him like I did with my Mom.  I know that he didn't believe in after death communication, but I do and by golly, if there was any chance that he was around, he was going to talk to me. Then I woke up.

I don't feel like this is a premonition, I know where this came from, last night I was reading a forum and someone was talking about making an offer on some property, in their next message, they stated that they had become a grandparent, their husband unexpectedly died, and their offer was accepted on the property. When I read it, it seemed rather nonchalant about the husband dying, I would think that would at least rate its own message, and not stuck between a couple of other comments, it came off like "oh well, he's dead now..."

I did receive a message the other day, my mind has been on a few bills that are coming up, so far we have had enough funds to pay the few bills we have, but there are always more coming up, I was "told" not to worry about it, something big is coming and I would be taken care of. I have been told the latter part before, it's always been true so I don't worry too much about it. That little voice has always been accurate, it's not MY voice, I don't know how to properly explain it, it's in my head but it's not me (boy does this sound nuts), I  wonder about this "big thing" coming, I don't know what it is, but I know it will be. I do remember in the dream thinking, I wonder if this (Bob dying) was the "big thing", and if it was, I didn't like it. I'm glad it was just a dream, Bob is getting a few extra hugs today.