Where Have I Been?

All righty, here I am again, it's been way too long and I've been way too busy to write here, that is just not right, I know there are a few of you who check here on a semi-regular basis waiting for me to come back and get busy writing here... well here I am, sorry for the absence.

Soooo, you might wonder what I've been up to lately, since my dad passed away, I haven't really had any sort of visitation from him, please understand I'm not LOOKING for it either, my prayer to God about this is "if it's Your Will, then let it happen, if not then so be it"... I prayed it once and let it go, I don't feel like asking for it over and over, even saying "if it's Your Will" is a good thing to do, if it happens then it happens, if not, then it doesn't.

That was the attitude I had about my mother, and it was 4-5 years after her death before I had any sort of encounter with her, it happened in a dream, we had a discussion and she told me how I could contact her again if I ever wanted to, the funny thing is I haven't wanted to, I haven't felt the need, I am not going to seek it, but if it happens again, then so be it, the visit was very spontaneous and that's how I prefer it to be, not me seeking it.

I sometimes feel what I think is my dad's presence, or at least I wonder if he's around, it happens most often when I am singing alone, I wish he could have been able to see me now, leading our music services in church, singing out loud and playing the piano. I would like to think that he is getting to experience it a little now. He knew I was doing this before he passed away, but he never got to hear me singing or leading in the church.

I have to tell you that I come from a very musical as well as artistic family, we have very creative and talented people in my family, and quite frankly that intimidated me quite a bit growing up. I had no idea if I could sing or not, I liked singing OK, I just wouldn't do it if I thought anyone could hear me. I also do some art, drawing and painting, that's not as intimidating, I can show an art piece without having to "perform", I've already done all the hard work, all I have to do is stand next to it.

Fortunately I've found my inner crooner and I'm not as afraid to sing out loud. There are a couple of songs my dad wrote, I remember him singing them in church when I was a little girl, he also played the guitar. I have been working on learning these two songs and hope to have the nerve to perform them in front of the church, soon! I have been practicing singing these songs before church starts, I purposely wait for a few people to be around, I need to learn to sing solo no matter how many people can hear me. It's also hard to sing these songs because of the emotional connection I have to them, it's hard to get through the song without crying, and I don't know about you, but I can't sing if I'm crying.

OK, so a few months ago I had a dream with my dad in it, I don't believe it was really him though, but if it was him, I hope he was OK with my reaction and understands why I had the reaction I did. I dreamed I was in his house, in his bedroom, there were 2 twin beds in there, on the one farthest from me I could detect someone laying in the bed covered up, then he uncovered, it looked like my dad, but he looked so old and frail, he turned over to look at me, almost pleading with me to come over to him... in the dream I knew he was supposed to be dead and my reaction was to rebuke whatever that was, I yelled at it to go away, I yelled that you are supposed to be dead. His face was so pitiful, I turned away and began praying to God asking Him why I was seeing this, why was I being subjected to this... then I awoke.

The reason I don't believe it was really my dad, I don't think he would retain the look of a dying person, he would have no reason to continue looking sick, old and frail, I imagine he would take on the form of a much younger man, healthy and vital, he wouldn't be begging for help, I fully believe this was a trick of the devil, trying to fool me into feeling sorry for whatever "it" was and trying to help it, causing me to become entangled in whatever that thing was.

I haven't had anything like that happen again. I am still waiting, but not seeking a visit or connection.

Another dream I had a few nights ago, I dreamed about my grandfather (from  my mother's side), I wouldn't say I forgot what he looked like, but considering the last time I saw him in living color was when I was a teenager, I don't know if this was really anything or not, but it was certainly good to see his face, to hug his neck and tell him I love him.

This last month has been a month for dreams, usually my dreams are nonsense, sometimes just fun, but I rarely dream about the people I know, when I do there is usually a reason behind it. I did have one more dream that was significant, but I'll save it for another post.

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The Flash

Here's something interesting that happened a few days ago, I am a caretaker for a friend, it's a real paying job, yeah I get paid to visit, clean, cook and shop with my friend... I was at her place, it was evening, the sun was going down, it was just dark enough to begin turning on your headlights, but it was still plenty light enough to see everything pretty clearly. We were standing by my truck, she was talking, I was looking around and suddenly I saw a bright BRIGHT flash, it was bright enough to wash everything out, there were no shadows, no nothing but light, it lasted a microsecond and was gone. I looked at my friend who continued talking as if nothing had just happened, so I waited until she finished her sentence and I asked her if she had just seen something strange, she looked at me so funny and said yes, she had just seen a flash but thought it was just her eyes playing tricks, she has had cataract surgery this last year and it's not uncommon to have the occasional visual blip, she didn't say anything because she thought it was just her and I didn't seem to react.

We stood there for the next 15 minutes describing the same thing to each other. We live in a very VERY rural area, there is no traffic, we are miles and miles from the main road and it's not in line of sight, there are mountains and trees all around us, the sky was clear, we have practically no airplanes or helicopters during the day, and all but none in the evening going into night. I don't know what it was, there was no sound associated with it, it was just a very bright flash, I just realized that there was not an after image like you would see if someone used a flashbulb in your face, it wasn't centralized, it was as if the air flashed but it wasn't in any particular place. The sky was clear, there was the tiniest bit of breeze, we typically have pretty low humidity, there are no other neighbors around that could have caused it (car headlights or porch lights...), oh and it wasn't my vehicle or hers.

Who knows what it was, I do see flashes like this on a semi-regular basis, both inside and outside, this is the first time someone else was with me and saw it too, I might see it once a month or less often. I can't help but to think of that movie "The Matrix", perhaps it's a glitch in the program and we just happened to be in the right/wrong place at the right/wrong time...

Good Bye Daddy

Here I am, back and feeling better than ever. The last post I posted was about my dad, for those of you who read my other blog, you know that my dad passed away on July 30th, it was good, well as good as a death can be. Let me tell you about it.

Two days after writing my last post here that I had gotten back home, Sunday right after church, I received a phone call from my sister telling me that her hubby and their daughter were on their way to pick me up, I had 7 hours to get ready to go back to Fort Worth. I had been home for a week and one day.

I packed a bag, made some phone calls to let people out here know I would be gone for another little bit, and I waited for my brother in law and niece to arrive. They got here about midnight, I met them at the entrance to my neighborhood, kissed my hubby goodbye and started out on an overnight drive. We arrived in Fort Worth about 8ish in the morning, we went directly to the hospital. I went straight to my dad's room but was only able to stay less than a minute, the hospice people were there and wanted to talk to the family. Those few seconds I was in dad's room, I don't believe he even knew I was there, he had on a full face mask bi-pap machine, it assists in breathing. I couldn't see his face very clearly, and I was sure he couldn't see me, at least not enough to recognize me. He didn't respond at all to me walking in the room.

The hospice nurse told us that it would be next to impossible for us to take him home to die, something my dad wanted to do but had rejected the idea when we brought it up to him before, when he would have been healthy enough to make the trip back to his house. He balked at the idea of having hospice, I suppose it's not easy to accept the idea that one is about to die, he felt like he had more things to do.

We agreed that he would stay at the hospital and began calling family members and friends to come in and say goodbye. We knew he wouldn't see the end of the day. Within an hour or so, that room at the hospital, it was a cardiac ICU, was filled with people, friends, family, neighbors, it was amazing the number of people who showed up. Once the whole family was there (with the exception of 2 family members who were out of town), I told everyone to go outside into the hallway, I had each family member go into the room by themselves to say their final goodbyes. I am so thankful that we had the time and opportunity to do that. I didn't go in and talk to him alone, I had spent days and nights with him before and had already said everything that needed to be said in private.

As the day wore on, more and more people showed up, I am so thankful for the hospital, North Hills Hospital for allowing us to have so many people there, the room was full, we were spilling out into the hallway, and they never once said anything about having too many people there. I suppose they see a lot of people pass with no family or friends there. In fact, during the time I was there before, spending nights up there with dad, I had gone out into the hallway, it was dark and quiet. There had been a door to a room down the hall, there was a sign on the door that said "no visitors, see the nurse's desk", the room door was shut and no one went in or came out. Later that night, I saw the staff going into the room and quietly removing the patient, an older lady, they had her in a body bag, they had placed a hand made crocheted (granny squares) blanket over her, they quietly took her to an elevator that is for hospital staff only. I don't remember seeing anyone coming or going from that room, I wonder if she died alone...

Spending so much time in the hospital, I became very familiar with the routines and sounds of the hospital, and the spirit life there, and believe me, there is a lot of activity. A few hours before my dad passed, I was looking toward the door in the room. I saw a shadow figure go by very quickly, too quickly for a living person to have gone by, and less than a second later, another one, just like the first one flew by, I don't believe they had anything to do with my dad or that room, I believe I just happened to look up at the right time.

Being in the room while my dad was dying was quite an experience, I felt quite honored to be part of it, I talked to my dad nearly the whole time, we played gospel music, we sang, we prayed, we cried, we laughed, we told stories. Dad would respond from time to time, one thing he did was he hit his fist on the bed and said "I'm not ready!", even when you believe in an afterlife, it can be hard to face it, that final step can be a scary one.  I am convinced that he did pass on into Heaven though, about an hour before he breathed his last breath, he looked up toward the end of the bed and said "Hello Anita.", she was his oldest child, I had the honor of being by her side when she passed away some 5-6 years ago, we knew she was a saved Christian, I had been waiting for something like that to happen, I just didn't know who it would be, so when Dad acknowledged her, I felt comfortable that he was going to be OK.

Dad passed away later in the afternoon, he had been there long enough for the nurses, doctors and staff to get to know him, there were tears from them all, the nurses, the lady who cleaned his room, even his doctor there. That is part of the job, but it still doesn't make it any easier.

One of the things my dad and I discussed in the weeks before his death was if it was possible, he would come visit me, I do not actively seek it because I don't want to attract something else that might try to pretend to be my dad. I haven't had a visit from him, there was one dream I had where I thought it might have been him, but I feel quite certain by my response that it wasn't him, I'll talk about that in another post.

Really Back Home

It's been a few weeks since my last post about my dad, let me tell you that when I wrote that I was told he would pull through (ie not die right then), I really wasn't feeling it, I truly thought he would pass any time, I didn't expect him to live, to survive the next few days, but I went ahead and wrote what I had been "told", mainly as a way to document what I had been told, and as per usual, the voice was accurate, not that I believed it, I really thought that this time, the voice was wrong, had to be wrong.

My dad did come home from the hospital, for only a few days though, he began going downhill again and went back in, he is still there, it's been over 2 weeks on this stay in the hospital. I stayed with him as much as I could, mostly staying there overnight, my sister staying with him during the day. He goes up and down, getting better, then getting worse. When it was clear that he wasn't in imminent danger of passing right away, I took the opportunity to come home for a bit, I had some things that needed to be done here, so my sister drove me home, it's some 500 miles away, so it's an overnight trip. I also thought the timing would be best if my dad was still in the hospital while we were gone, the assumption is if/when my dad gets out of the hospital, my sister will move in with him and take care of him.

Honestly I'm thinking I'll be back within a month, well make that about 3 weeks now counting the near week I've been back. I haven't been told anything else, so for now, I'm just going by my gut feelings. I do want to try my utmost best to be by my dad's side when he passes, I want to be holding his hand and talking him into the next world, just like I did with my half sister on her death bed.

Sorry if this sounds a bit disjointed, it's just how things are right now.

Back Home

It's so strange to be in my childhood house again,  this is where I spent most of my growing up years once we settled for good in Texas. This has also been a very active house spiritwise. 

It's been more years than I care to count since I've lived here, and around 4 years since I've been here for a visit. I here now because we thought my dad was on death's door, he had pneumonia and had been hospitalized 2X for it, he also has congestive heart failure. At neatly 84 years of age (he will be turning 84 this coming Sunday) he has lived a good long and healthy life. He still has his mind and has been fairly active until the last few months. 

At this point, it's up in the air whether or not he pulls through this one, literally up to God to take him or not. I'm feeling like he is going to pull through, especially since he's still kicking, just gotta keep him rested and at the same time, try to keep him active enough to build up his strength.

I've been here nearly a couple of weeks, let me go back a bit, a few days before I came out, I had been very busy trying to get the sky castle ready for PB's daughter, SIL and 2 grandsons to come out for a visit, their first visit. The day they were supposed to arrive, I was still trying to do last minute things, around 5ish I took a break and felt an urge to call my dad. I listen to those urges. When he answered, he couldn't speak, he could barely squeak, I could understand his squeaking that he couldn't speak. After questioning him a bit, I found out that he didn't have a sore throat and that he was home alone, he sounded very scared and confused. I told him I would hang up and call my sister.

Turns out my sis had just left him around 45 minutes before and he had been just fine. Once she talked to him, she left what they were doing and went right over, they ended up calling 911 and taking him to the hospital. This would be his 2nd stay in the hospital for pneumonia. I fully believe that if I hadn't called him when I did, he wouldn't have survived.

Hospitals are very hot spots for spiritual activity, of course I saw all sorts of things there, movements and shadows mostly. I ignored them, I was more concerned about my dad at that point. Now that dad is out of the hospital, I'm spending all of my time here taking care of him, this house is still just as active as ever. Sparks of light, shadows, movements, sounds... just like it was before. 

Dad keeps seeing things too, though at this point it's hard to determine how much of it is "real" and how much is the meds and his physical condition.  

I had planned on leaving at the end of this week, but I think I'll stay an extra week, I really want to get home, but dad needs me the most right now. I want to be with him when he passes from this earthly realm into the spirit realm, I don't know how soon that is going to be now. If my "voice" is still accurate, I've been told he will pull through this one. I feel pretty good about it.

Lot's O' Stuff Going On

I have been meaning to write more here, don't ya just hate it when a blogger keeps saying that? So here I am. My spiritual life has been growing and growing.  I am getting more and more comfortable with myself and my spirituality at the same time. I had a few adjustments to make after my baptism, there were some small things were taken from me, at the time I had no idea what those would be, I just hoped it wouldn't be everything about my spiritual life, but was willing to give up any and all of it if that was necessary, I can truly thank God that it was not all taken, just tweaked to be even better.

My walk and talk with God has gotten better and better, closer and closer. I am participating in a Christian class at church, it's by John MacArthur, it's called Fundamentals of the Faith, I have enjoyed learning more and more, even if I don't agree with everything MacArthur says, especially about the spiritual gifts, he says some of them were only meant for the Bible days and aren't meant for today, I disagree, when God gives gifts, He doesn't take them back. I also know that we humans aren't going to agree with each other 100% of the time...

To update some of my spiritual experiences I have had recently, a month ago (+/-) I was in my Bug on the way to church in the afternoon, I was by myself, I live in a very rural area with mountainous dirt roads that are curvy and have lots of hills and valleys. There are places where the road is not wide enough for 2 vehicles to pass, it's a good idea to drive slow out here, sometimes I will think I'm going too fast only to look down and see I am going 15 mph. Anyhoo, I was going to the church, doing my normal speed on this particular part of the road, I was "told" to slow down, I didn't question it or even think about it, I just did it, I dropped my speed by about 5 mph, I began looking ahead to see why I had been instructed to slow down. I expected to see animals in the road (a common occurrence out here), maybe deer or feral donkeys, I was coming to a curve in the road when I saw the UPS truck coming the opposite direction, he was in the middle of the road coming around that curve, there was not enough room for both of us to be on that spot at the same time, if I hadn't slowed down, I would have been there at the same time as the UPS truck, would there have been a crash? I don't know, possibly a crash, possibly one or both of us might have ended up sliding off the road, I do know that it would have been at least a close call, not something I relish thinking about, much less experiencing...

I am still seeing into the spirit world, little sparks of light, the glowing orbs, the shadows and such.  For the most part, I just look and go on, I don't try to interact or communicate with whatever these things are. My neighbor's house had been pretty quiet the last few months, but things have been ramping back up, I have been seeing different things there, things like sparks of light near the ceiling. Yesterday, I was down there with my Dad, he had fallen asleep in the recliner, I laid down on the couch to catch a nap too, when I saw a large, shaggy looking shadow flying across the cabinet doors in the dining room, I have been seeing more and more activity in that part of the house. This only lasted a few seconds, but was significantly different from the other things I have seen there, it left an impression on my mind. I didn't say anything to my Dad about this though. So today, after church, we ate lunch at my neighbor's house, then my Dad laid back in the recliner and wanted to take a nap, I told him I was going up to my house, if he needed me, he could call me.

I had gotten up to my house (it's a bit of a hike up a mountain side to get to my house), I had enough time to get on the internet and check my email when my Dad called, he said he needed me back down there asap. When I got there, he was a little shaken up, he said he had not been asleep yet, but his eyes were closed, then something grabbed his foot. He opened his eyes and saw nothing, then he saw what he described at a large, dark tubular thing near the ceiling going toward the dining room. He rebuked it and it left him alone. Shortly after I got back down there, he told me that he saw something else, it looked like a small bird going toward the dining room, his dog also responded to this. It's strange that the sightings in that house had changed so much, I hadn't said anything to my Dad about this, yet he is also seeing these things too.

I have another 2 things to write about, I'll only tease you with them and say they are VERY GOOD THINGS, exciting things, somewhat scary too, but not in the spooky sense, scary because of the great potential and the responsibility that go with it. I'll write about them in the next few days.